Steve Keene
Hollis and Janalu,
Chief Jimbob is a cat lover and explained to me about a discussion he had with his cat about the new "Cat Laws". The tale he told me went something like this:
I was reading the paper to the cat last week. She tries to keep up on current events, particularly stories on politiics and alien landings. We got to a story where a few obscure animal rights groups have called for the nation's 66 million cats to be kept indoors for life.
"Why?" asked Miss Kitty.
"Well". I answered, "This story says that cats kill nearly 8 million to 217 million birds a year in Wisconsin alone."
"My, I had no idea there were that many birds in Wisconsin."
"Yes, and one person was quoted as saying 'We don't want our house companions going out and killing other animals.'"
"What about mice," Miss Kitty said scratching behind her ear.
"They don't say, but they are worried about you getting eaten by coyotes."
"Then why don't they make coyotes stay indoors for life? It is like making people bolt and bar their doors during prime shopping hours. Why don't they just keep all the criminals indoors for life?"
"Good question, but they say cats are domesticated animals and coyotes are wild animals and they don't want to appear anti-wildlife."
"Mice are wildlife, and so are birds. It is all part of the food chain."
"They apparently want to remove cats from the food chain. For your protection, of course."
"I thought it was to protect the birds," said Miss Kitty, ever vigilant to catch my flawed logic, "And besides, do they really enjoy that odiferous cat box in the laundry room? It is bad enough to have to go in a tupperware toilet, if you're a cat. I have always envied camels. Sand as far as you can see. Go anytime your please."
"They suggested humans who want their cats to spend time outside, invest in an enclosure or keep them on a harness."
Miss Kitty got indignant. "You ever tried to walk a cat on a harness, we're not dogs you know! I've spent a lifetime keepin' your place free of rodents and vermin, and this is the thanks I get. So I eat a bird now and then. And another thing. I have lost more friends to car tires than coyotes. Why don't they have speed limits to give cats a chance to get out of the way?"
"Wait a minute," I protested, "It isn't me, it is just a story in the paper."
"Sure," she huffed, "Some self appointed cat lover or weasel will badger you into makin' me a house cat. You'll fall for it and take me prisoner. Next thing I know you will be takin' me for walks in a cat harness. Not for me, buckaroo, I'm leavin'."
"Wait, " I pleaded, "Where will you go....?"
"Well," she said, "I've always wanted to see Wisconsin."
adapted from Baxter Black
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